For my Adventurous Mum: Be prepaaaaaaared!

‘Yeah! Be prepared. Yeah, we’ll be prepared! For what?’

 ‘For the death of the king!’

 ‘Ah, is he sick?’

 ‘No, fool! We’re going to kill him. And Simba, too.’

 ‘Great idea! Who needs a king?’

 ‘No king, no king! La la la la la la!’

 //

I diverge. Sorry, I can’t resist a Lion King tangent!

So in September or October last year, when I was planning for Nepal, I was sipping tea with my mum and dad. We were talking about the imminent adventure and all getting excited together. I said, half-joking, ‘Mum! You should totally come with me! It’d be fun!’ We laughingly imagined the fun possibilities a mother-daughter trip would bring, but I thought that’s where it ended.

A few days later, Mum showed me a work leave form. ‘What do you think of these dates?’ she said. Does that look like a good time to come?’

It took a little while to sink in. A work leave form. Mum. Ah. What?! MUM WAS COMING TO NEPAL?!?! Wow. We went to the travel agent together to book her tickets and that was that. Mum is coming for the whole month of June. What a woman!

Mum’s arrival has been in the back of my mind the whole time I’ve been here. Some days the thought of mum coming has gotten me through a dark time, other days it’s been just a fun thing to think about. Now, though, it’s not a thing in the distant future. Mum comes in three days. Ach!

The rest of this post is for her. You may read, also if you wish!

//

Mum, I am so excited to see you! It’s been a while, hey! I am so excited to share a month with you in this incredible country.

I was going to do a big cultural prep thing for you so that you’d be pumped up with lots of knowledge and trivia. But you know what? I’m not going to. I want you to see this country with innocent, unassuming eyes. However, I want to give you some clues about what you will experience. I won’t explain them, but I want these little nuggets to nestle into your brain space and maybe, somehow, in some small way, ever-so-slightly prepare you for Nepal.

Be prepared:

Be prepared to be overwhelmed.

Be prepared to be claustrophobic.

Be prepared to be stared at.

Be prepared to be in awe.

Be prepared to be over-fed.

Be prepared to be loved.

Be prepared to be Namaste’d.

Be prepared to be Jayamassi’d.

Be prepared to be misunderstood.

Be prepared to be a fool.

Be prepared to be challenged.

Be prepared to be inspired.

Be prepared to get dirty.

Be prepared to get lost.

Be prepared to get smelly.

Be prepared to make mistakes.

Be prepared to learn.

Be prepared to eat.

Be prepared to eat dal bhat.

Be prepared to eat more dal bhat.

Be prepared to bobble.

Be prepared to bargain.

Be prepared to squat.

Be prepared to walk.

Be prepared to explore.

Be prepared to struggle.

Be prepared to laugh.

Be prepared to clap.

Be prepared to sing.

Be prepared to cry.

Be prepared for fun.

Be prepared for chaos.

Be prepared for a broken heart.

Be prepared for joy.

Be prepared for generosity.

Be prepared for hospitality.

Be prepared for another serving of dal bhat.

Nepal already loves you, Mum! It can’t wait to wrap its majestic arms around you and surround you with awe-inspiring mountains and beautiful people. And dal bhat. Lots of dal bhat.

I love you lots, Mum! See you in a couple of sleeps!

AHHHHHHHHHHH WOOOOOOO!!

‘Naani’ & Relationship Advice

Yesterday I went to a leprosy colony just outside of Kathmandu for a church service. This was only the second time I’ve been to this fellowship, but it is shaping up to be one of my favourite places in Nepal.

I head to the pastor’s house at around 10am. There is a bit of chatting while we wait for others to arrive. Then at 10:30ish, 6 of us pile into a tiny car and head on our way. The colony is about a 45 minutes’ drive on a bumpy, dusty, windy road. On the way there is singing and laughter and taking in the beautiful surrounds – a river, forests, mountains. My mind drifts off. I think and chat with God, thanking Him for the creation I can enjoy around me: the lovely plants and flowers, children playing, elderly friends laughing. The car stops and I wonder where the time has gone. My fellow passengers and I get out of the car, grateful to stretch our legs after an uncomfortable but breathtaking journey. There is a steep, dusty path leading to a small brick building with a tin roof. We are here.

View from inside the building

I carefully navigate the path, getting excited as the joyful singing from within becomes louder and louder. I reach the entrance, take off my dust-covered shoes and put my bare feet on the cool concrete floor inside. There are 30 or 40 sweet faces, mostly elderly ladies from my Saturday church, that turn to greet me.

‘Jayamassi, Naani!’

‘Jayamassi!’

‘Jayamassi, Naani!’

‘Jayamassi!’

There are a bunch of ‘Jayamassi’s that I gleefully return with my hands together in a prayer-like fashion. ‘Jayamassi’ is the greeting that Nepali Christians use. It means ‘Christ has the victory’ or ‘Christ is risen’ or ‘the Messiah is risen’ or a combination of these. I love it. Before and after a church service, you’re guaranteed to have yourself between 30 and 3 000 000 ‘Jayamassi’s depending on how big the church is.

The ladies pat on the space beside them inviting me to sit down and it’s a job trying to figure out which invitation to take! I sit at the back against the wall.

Then it hits me. Naani. They called me Naani. I smile really big and get a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Naani means ‘little daughter’. ‘Babu’ means ‘little son’. These titles are used for little babies and younger kids, but it’s also an endearing term for people you feel close to. When I first came to Nepal I was often referred to as ‘Dani Aunty’ – a respectful but almost detached term. Then I became ‘Dani Didi’ – ‘Didi’ means ‘elder sister’ and is another respectful term, though it’s a bit more personal. The fact that these ladies called me Naani is a really special thing and it’s a moment I’ll always treasure.

After the service we travel back to the pastor’s house. This pastor’s name is Babukaji. Babukaji has been a wonderful, loving encouragement and has been a key person in my journey so far. Every time he sees me he greets me with a generous smile and calls me ‘Ramro chori’ (good daughter). He’s basically decided he’s my Nepali dad, and I’m OK with that.

We sip chiya (spiced tea) together and he tells me some secrets about life and Jesus. I ask about his marriage, whether it was arranged or not, and that leads to some stories about Nepali marriages and stuff.

Then the conversation takes an unexpected turn.

‘I pray for your husband,’ he says, ‘Continually.’

‘Wow, cool!’

I think Babukaji is maybe even a bit more excited about my future marriage than I am! My future marriage is often a topic of conversation in his home and at church. I’m asked regularly for my marital status, and there are a few ladies at church that have been rumoured to want to set me up with their sons or nephews. Thus, marriage can be a bit of an uncomfortable topic sometimes.

That said, it has been on my mind a lot while I’ve been here in Nepal. I know it’s not guaranteed that I’ll get married, but I’ve been thinking and praying about it anyways. What kind of man do I want to marry? What’s important to look for? What do I need to ‘shape up’ in my own life so that I’ll be the best flaming wife ever?

Since Babukaji is clearly interested in the subject, I ask him what I should look for in a husband. I want to know about whether it matters if we are intellectually compatible, whether it matter if he’s socially awkward or not, that kind of thing. This is what he had to say:

‘He need to be Bible Boy.

He have Jesus heart.

You cooking, you cleaning – he like.

When Dani sad, when Dani angry, he say ‘I love you Dani’.’

Wow.

So my future husband needs to love and know the Bible a lot. So much so that he gets called Bible Boy.

He’s gotta love Jesus and let His heart pump out amazing love to all he meets.

He’s gotta like my cooking.

He’s gotta love the heck out of me and be really caring. And patient.  Because I can get ranty and teary preeeetty often.

Sounds like a good guy. I like him already!

As for me, I need to love and know Bible a lot. So much so that I get called Bible Girl.

I’ve gotta love Jesus and let His heart pump out amazing love to all I meet.

I’ve gotta work on being an awesome cook and learn to clean with a great attitude so I can make a wonderful home for our family.

I’ve gotta love the heck out of Mr Husband (maybe just regular folks for the moment) and be really caring. And patient. Because people can get ranty and teary preeeetty often.

And you know, even if I don’t get married, if I work on these things, I’ll be a Bible-loving, Jesus-loving, people-loving, patient, caring, cooking and cleaning lady with a great attitude and that sounds like a good thing to be.

‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.’
1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8a

I am Bideshi II: The Blind Bideshi

Before I get my rant on, I would like to report that I am on the way ‘up’ after my ‘down’ period. I’m still sorting through a lot of things in my mind and heart, but I have had a lot of free time to do that so I’m in a much healthier frame of mind. God is really good and he’s given me a lot of peace and has been teaching me a lot, and He’s given me some really precious opportunities to share my heart with some unexpected people which has been such a gift!

I’ve also realised that sometimes I launch in to ranty-rants on this blog without sharing some of the victories that happen along the way. To change that, I thought I’d share a little victory. I met a doctor today. She has been in Nepal for 5 or 6 days and will stay here for 2 years to do doctor stuff. It was really unique to be able to meet someone in this phase of their ‘missionary’ journey! I was inspired by her manner. She seemed totally relaxed but excited at the same time about her service in Nepal, while being totally present and down-to-earth. It was really cool and refreshing. Sip… ahh.

Now, let’s get started.

I met someone. I don’t want to share much about who this person is or what the circumstances were around our meeting, because I don’t want to embarrass or shame them. So with that in mind we’ll call this person… Idiot? Nah, that’s a bit mean. We’ll go with Jay. And sorry Jay for calling you an idiot.

Jay has been on a number of short-term mission trips to Nepal, never more than three weeks at a time. They come, they see, they talk, they go. Jay is a fantastic communicator and a really cool person with a great relationship with God. I really like Jay as a person. However, something they said really shocked me and made me really angry.

I asked Jay to share with me the most significant thing all their trips to Nepal had taught them. I asked for Jay to share the impact that their short-term-trips-over-a-longish-period-of-time relationship with Nepal has had. This was the response:

‘I’m reminded each time that though we in the West have so much to offer financially, the people in Nepal have so much to teach us about the spiritual realm and about relating with God.’

Hold up. What?

At first glance, this seems like a totally legitimate thing to say, a fair judgment. But I completely and utterly disagree with this view. If you haven’t already, check out ‘I am Bideshi’ to get some background first, if you like.

Before I go on, let’s clarify something. I don’t think Jay is an idiot (that punchline was simply too good to pass up), but the idea that they expressed was, in my opinion, a reflex: the result of idiotic ideas being indoctrinated into them. I was totally flabbergasted by their response to my question, and replied with little more than, ‘Uh, interesting’. If I could wind back the clock, these are some thoughts I would have put out there for Jay’s pondering.

First, let me say, ‘ow’. That statement is like a kick in the guts. Your reply makes me feel like total crap! Like the only thing I’m good for is money, which is worlds away from the truth. That’s right, in my mind you are an intergalactic distance from the truth.

I used to think the way you do. The first time I came to Nepal, I was here for a month on a short-term mission. When I left, I honestly thought I knew everything about the culture, and what really stood out was that the Christians here are in some way ‘superior’ simply because of their poverty. I wish I could go back in time to visit my 16-year-old self and have a good heart-to-heart about life and culture and set her straight. But since I can’t, I’m sharing my heart with you instead.

Let’s break down what you shared. We in the West can offer finance, the people of Nepal can offer insights into the spiritual realm and relating with God. In one sense, you’re right. Many people in developed countries have the gift of disposable cash and can support the ministries here in a powerful and meaningful way. And Nepal is a Hindu kingdom, so those who have converted to Christianity are naturally already quite ‘spiritually-wired’, and due to the persecution of the church in recent years, many are quite strong in their faith, which we can learn a lot from.

But let’s be real… are you seriously putting finances and spiritual depth on the same level? Are you really saying that finances are on par with spiritual stuff? Or vice versa? How is that OK? Finances can, well, finance, some pretty awesome ministry stuff, and that’s really great. But be reminded that the greatest ministry guy of all time, Jesus, walked around homeless (Matthew 8:20). His ministry, though, was extraordinarily powerful (you know, altering the trajectory of the entire human race) because he taught of things that are of eternal value.

I’m not saying that you should stop giving to the needy. Jesus tells us in a bunch of different ways to serve and give to those less fortunate (Matthew 25:31 – 46; Luke 3:10; Matthew 5:42; Matthew 19:21). But what I want to communicate is that you, a normal, educated Westerner, have a lot more to bring to the table than just money. You are a child of God for goodness’ sake! He’s given you gifts, talents, experiences, resources… I strongly believe that you can teach the Nepalis just as much about God as they can teach you.

I also want to knock the Nepali church off the pedestal you’ve put them on. We in the West often have the misperception that Christians in the third-world are some kind of super-breed Christian.  Nepali Christians are by no means perfect. Money, greed, power and corruption are all ridiculously powerful strongholds in this culture, and have all seeped their way into the church in varying degrees, much in the same way that materialism, narcissism, pride and a love of money have seeped their way into the Western church. But how amazing that we’re reassured that ‘His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires’ 2 Peter 1:3 & 4.

At this point, I would pause.

‘Jay, are you OK? You look like you need to sit down… do you need some water? Op, op! JAY! Oh my goodness your head exploded! AH! Someone help me! Ah, it’s so messy!!’

Poor Jay.

You know, there’s a big chance I might run into Jay again. I might bring up some of these points and just get a conversation started. If that happens, I’ll let you know how it goes.

Hopefully their head will be intact at the end.

Day 100: A Peak Into My Journal

Practically Speaking: What to Do When Everything Sucks

The fruit of practising point 4.

We all go through tough spots in life. There are times where everything around you, literally or figuratively, is going to crap and life just sucks. When these times hit me (like right now), sometimes I struggle to know what to do with myself, practically. I want to deal with my grief and my emotions in a healthy way and honour God in the process and sometimes it’s difficult to know how to do that. It’s even more difficult to know how to do that when you’re in the middle of Struggle Street. I thought I’d take the opportunity to share some helpful things that have helped me in the past and present in dealing with hard times. Some of these things I do naturally and find easy, others I am still learning how to do. This is as much a help for me as it is a help for anyone reading. You should be aware that I’ve never done a ‘how-to’ bit before, so I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’ve got five basic points that are super general so you can hopefully apply them no matter who you are or what you’re facing. But no pressure – this is just a guide, not a Bible. Take it or leave it, maybe put it in your pocket for later. This is honestly more for me than it is for you, anyway!

I’ve probably broken the first rule of how-to writing by making the introduction too long, but who cares. Here we goooooo!

1. Feel Your Feelings
First and foremost, let’s get one thing straight: It’s OK to feel sad. There’s a brilliant scene in comedy series Scrubs where the central character, JD exclaims to his best friend, ‘Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!’ It plays in my head whenever I have feelings I need to let out but I feel embarrassed or frustrated by having them. We all want to be strong. We want to be invincible. But the fact is, we were made with emotions for a reason. Jesus himself wept at the drop of a hat. I’m not about to go into the science of emotions (you have Google for that), but I want to give you permission to feel sad. Your emotions can sometimes go a bit cray-cray and you might need to rein them it at some point, but it’s totally OK to feel the way you do.

2. Let Someone In
This is super important. During difficult times it seems that a good course of action is hiding away from the world. And that’s a good thing, in a way, as alone time is very important when in the midst of difficulty, to think and to sort things out in solitude. But you need to tell someone how you are doing. You need to be real with someone. Whatever the burden is that you’re lugging, being open with someone allows them to share the load. It gives the other person permission to reach out and encourage you. Unless you are very outspoken about your deepest needs and feelings all of the time, people around you may have no idea how you are going. You need to tell them! I cried openly a bunch of times over the last few weeks, to trusted friends and total strangers. It was uncomfortable and a bit dangerous. Vulnerability always is, because you have no idea how people will respond. But I was pleasantly surprised each time: people really encouraged me and said some really life-giving stuff that was significantly helpful. And it all starts with letting someone in. So especially if it’s difficult for you, take the plunge, reach out to someone and get real.

3. Let God In
Let in The Big Guy. He knows what you’re thinking and what you’re going through anyway. I’ll be honest, I find it difficult to do ‘religious stuff’ when I’m struggling. Reading the Bible and prayer are not high on my priority list when things suck. That’s to my detriment, and I’m trying to get over that and do these things even when I don’t feel like it because they are really healthy and good for the soul. While I’m still working on that, I have found a way to let God in, even when talking to Him and reading His word are difficult for me. I sit down, I tell God implicitly that I know He can see where I’m at, inside and out, and I kinda just invite Him to sit with me for a while. I imagine me leaning my head on His shoulder and just sitting together. Articulating this practice seems a bit weird to me, and it probably sounds like I’m a bit of a nutcase, but the image I have of God’s comfort without words is really beautiful. Sometimes the bond between friends supersedes language and someone’s presence alone can be comforting and reassuring.

4. Find an Outlet
Normally when things are crazy and painful around me, I don’t want to write. My journal gets put on the shelf because I often simply can’t muster the energy to use a pen. Right now is an unusual time, as I’ve actually forced myself to blog during this period. I have been very challenged about being honest and vulnerable during pain, and so I’m trying it out in a public sphere. I feel like a newborn bird, slimy and awkward, giving a talk to the rest of the flock about how difficult it is to fly. It feels ugly and obscure, but there’s also a weird satisfaction and a strange beauty in sharing my feelings on this site. The ‘me too’s’ I receive in response are also extraordinarily comforting and encouraging.

Ah, that was a tangent, and that’s OK. What I’m trying to say is that it is healthy and fulfilling to find an outlet and get your feelings out. Do artistic stuff, go for a walk, cook, drink tea. I would advise against extended facebook use during these times, as I find using facebook pretty depressing when I feel like crap. Do the things you love, as much as you can muster the energy for. I find anything to do with the arts to be particularly powerful and healthy and it’s neat to have a record of how I processed different situations at different stages. So find an outlet for yourself, you’ll thank yourself later.

5. Give it Time
When things suck, sometimes they suck for a long time. Sometimes, no matter what you do, life will be hard for an extended time. It’s OK. Understand that the perspective you get on Struggle Street is unique, and the close feeling of being carried by the Saviour is beautiful and something to be savoured. The above tips and the advice friends give you might be helpful and might work, but they also might not. In one way, it’s better to try something and feel only 98% of the pain than 100%. So try some things out, see if they help, but ultimately, give it time and let yourself be held.

‘The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
The Lord sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.’
PSALM 147:2-6

I Gave God the Stink Eye

I’m going to be honest. I don’t want to write this blog right now. I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning so today is just a distant memory. But I decided at the beginning to be honest with the people that are on the journey with me, so I’m going to tell you about my day.

It started out off. The butter on my toast wasn’t quite right and so my favourite marmalade on toast breakkie was compromised. Compromised marmalade on toast is never a good way to start the day.

But seriously.

I went to church today, and it was a very emotionally-charged service. Two people who were integral in the construction of the new ministry building were leaving after a one and a half year stay. Today was their goodbye service. Gifts were exchanged, hugs were given and tears flowed freely. Although this couple were very new acquaintances to me, I still shed several tears. It was obvious that they made quite an impact on the church community and the bonds that had been formed were solid and special.

The service was four hours long today so there was plenty of time to think, and think I did. I thought about the end of my time here. I have been here for three months now, and I have two more months before I’m back in the land of Vegemite. What is my goodbye going to be like? I thought. It’s May now, and I’m supposed to be working in the orphanage I helped raise funds for. I’m supposed to be playing games with the kids, learning their names and stories and building relationships. I’m supposed to be ‘Dani Didi’. I’m supposed to be lavishing love on the vulnerable orphans of Nepal. But the ‘supposed to’s’,,, aren’t. Things haven’t gone to plan and there’s no way the orphanage will be up and running in the time I’m here.

I got extremely melancholy as I thought this all through. I felt purposeless, sad, angry, frustrated. Why would God bring me all the way to this country and leave me without a purpose? Why would he open all the doors for the orphanage but then slam them in my face? I normally love to sing to God, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be with Him, I didn’t want to read the Bible. I was fed up. God brought me to a foreign country and left me high and dry. He’s wasting my time! I thought. After talking this out with my housemate for a bit, she reminded me of the Psalms and how angry David got at God. I was reminded that God prefers us to run to Him, even with rage and frustration, than to run away from Him.

So with David as my inspiration, I gave God a good piece of my mind. I made up some angry songs and glared up at the ceiling in an attempt to give God the stink eye. I was super honest about my feelings and got pretty riled up. As time went on, my songs turned from songs of frustration to songs of trust in Him even though I have no idea what’s going on around me.

After a few solid hours of praying out honest emotions, listening to sad music, singing, stink-eyeing and poetry writing I don’t have any clarification on my purpose in Nepal. But as pat-answery as it sounds, my solution is to keep following Jesus. Things may suck right now, but God hasn’t ever let me down. Not even once. So I’mma keep following Him, even if the road is unclear and I’m frustrated right now.

There you go. I’m going to bed now, and I hope things will be better in the light of the morning. But even if they’re not, I’m going to keep following Jesus. And giving Him stink-eyes when I get angry. I think He loves it.

‘I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.’

PSALM 42:9-11